As we all know, Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. If you browse through store aisles, you’ll find a multitude of greeting cards aimed at husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends, bosses, children, and more. It seems to me that one person is missing from that list, though: yourself!

Yes, I know. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about letting the important people in your life know how much they mean to you. I’m not trying to end that tradition by any means. What I am hoping to point out is that most Americans don’t put themselves in that category. And if you have read any of my book or watched my videos or speeches, you know that the number one thing I believe today about happiness is this: Until a person learns to truly value and love themselves simply for who they are and what they do, they can never really be happy long-term. That’s why it concerns me that even on a holiday that’s so devoted to love most of us don’t show much of it to ourselves.

Yes, it’s a big problem when you don’t love yourself. Until my breakdown, because I did not love myself, I thought that my self-worth came solely from my achievements. I depended on “atta boys,” pats on the back, and awards to make me feel valuable and worthwhile. And that led to a life that was way, way out of balance and to numerous problems:

• I became a workaholic. My job was the one place where I could guarantee that I could be number one…if, of course, I was willing to work harder than anyone else. Thus, at Foreign Autopart in the ’90s, I was always the first one at the office and the last one to leave, continually reaching for the next record to break so I could be okay with myself (and frankly, sleep at night!).Quite simply, I was not much of a dad when Josh was young. I regret that now.

• I didn’t treat myself well. As you may have already guessed, I pushed myself too hard and rarely did “nice” things for myself—even something as simple as taking a nap when I was exhausted. These days, mainly on the weekends, boy do I cherish my naps!!!

• Not all of my relationships were genuine. Because I didn’t value myself, I was often insecure about how others felt about me—even if I didn’t show it. When I was younger, I tended to behave the way I thought people wanted me to instead of doing what I wanted to do or felt was right.

• I was always trying to be everyone else’s favorite person by doing everything for everyone. In this way, I hoped that others would love and appreciate me more. At times, this compulsion led to me being taken advantage of and abused, and later I felt resentful and totally burnt out.

I know I’m not the only one, either. As Valentine’s Day approaches, I think we should all consider how much we do (or don’t!) value our own selves. If you look to others for love and approval instead of giving it to yourself, as I once did, please try to make this change now. The fact is, you can never have totally authentic and meaningful relationships with other people or achieve your full potential until you truly learn to love the wonderful human being you are.

First, acknowledge that of course you’re going to mess up from time to time because you’re human. Then, start making a mental list of your many talents, successes, strengths, and blessings. (Ask your loved ones for help if you need to!) Remember, God made you to be a one-of-a-kind, and He gave you amazing qualities that no one else possesses.

Trust me, once you begin to value and love yourself more, your whole life will change for the better. You’ll be happier (and healthier!), you’ll feel more confident, and your relationships will improve. You may even notice more positive opportunities coming into your life as others begin to respond to you differently.

So, even if you can’t find a Valentine’s Day card addressed to “you” as you do your shopping, don’t forget to show yourself love on February 14^th—and every day thereafter! You deserve it! And your kids do too, because—I promise you this—your children will learn to love themselves for who they are and what they do only if you learn how to do this first.

Guess what? I made some mistakes this week. I made some decisions that weren’t the smartest, did some things I probably shouldn’t have, and forgot to do other tasks I probably ought to have taken care of. And I’m sure that you have made mistakes this week too.

A decade ago, before my breakdown, those mistakes would have been a HUGE problem for me. I would have spent days beating myself up for each supposed screw-up. I would have thought things like, Todd, you’re such a moron! How could you have made a mistake like that?

To say the least, thoughts like that—especially when they happen frequently—aren’t exactly good for you. They lower your self-worth, and they rob you of your peace of mind and happiness. Even worse, they can doom you to future failure, because when you think less of yourself, you are much less effective. (Remember, our thoughts heavily influence our reality!) Also, studies show that enough negative thinking can actually cause you to get ill more often. And the really sad thing is, most of us do 100 things right for every one thing we do wrong…but we focus only on that one wrong thing.

If you have read my book, you might remember me talking about negativity and positivity glasses. (There is even a picture of a pair of glasses on the front cover of my book!) It seems to me that many people wear what I call “negativity glasses.” It’s like they have prescriptions covering their eyes that allow them to see only the negative things in their lives; for example, all that they could have done better and all of the things they feel they really messed up and handled poorly.

If you think you’re looking at life through negativity glasses, please try to throw them out and put on positivity glasses instead. Be easier on yourself and focus more on those 100 things you’ve done right. For example, give yourself a mental high-five for answering all of the emails in your inbox. Allow yourself to bask in the compliment your boss just paid you. Really savor the smiles on your family’s faces when eating the gourmet dinner you just cooked for them. These things will help you to realize that you have a lot of good, useful, and valuable things to offer the world.

In my own quest for happiness, I have found it very helpful to remember how I would help the people I love if they had made the mistake I just did. For example, I ask myself, What would I say to my wife if she had made this same mistake? The answer is always simple: I would tell her how much I love her and how great she is, and I’d also help her to feel better about herself by reminding her of her many more past success stories. I definitely wouldn’t want her to feel any more heartache or sadness about it or to miss out on all the blessings life has to offer because she couldn’t let it go.

It’s not always easy, but you must try to extend this same love, kindness, and forgiveness to yourself too. Remember: We are all human, and thus fallible, and so all of us will make mistakes. The fact is, if you focus on the one mistake you make and tell yourself how awful you are while ignoring the thousands of things you do right, you are literally setting your life up so you can’t win and can only be miserable and unhappy. What a shame it is that so many of us live this way in America. Please make 2012 the year you change if you are one of these many.

“Stress is a killer.” Yes, we all say it, but how many of us really believe it? If you’re like most Americans, you probably just accept stress as an inevitable part of life. Stress, the thinking goes, is the price we pay for our jobs, houses, cars, and relatively comfortable lives. To some extent, that’s true. After all, no success, job, or family has ever been—or ever will be—stress-free. And you certainly can’t control big-time stressors like the economy or a parent’s degenerative illness.

That being said, it’s also true that most of us are paying a much higher “stress price” than we have to, and this lifestyle is incredibly unhealthy. Stress prevents you from enjoying your current blessings, and it can also trigger long-term effects including high blood pressure, insomnia, depression, and anxiety. Now, you may think I’m crazy when I say that it’s in your power to reduce the amount of stress in your life, but it’s true! (And it’s also imperative that you do so for the sake of your health, happiness, and future.) In this post, I’d like to share two stress-reducing strategies that have worked for me.

Strategy number one is as simple as changing the way you think about something that’s causing you anxiety. For example, when I was first starting out as a leader in my family’s company, I was literally making myself sick over several types of emergencies that I had to deal with: store managers quitting without giving notice, store break-ins, and employees stealing from our company. Thanks to the Tony Robbins tapes I’ve blogged about before, though, I learned that I could reframe how I thought about these problems. Instead of treating them as five-alarm, code-blue emergencies I shouldn’t have to deal with, I chose to see them as part of my job description.

That change of perspective made a huge difference in how I reacted to and managed these situations, and the same can be true for you. By retraining yourself to act differently in difficult situations, you can drastically improve your quality of life. Whenever you don’t have the power to change a stressful situation, try to view it as a challenge instead of as a hardship. Come up with a game plan for how you’d like to react and visualize yourself doing so until this more positive behavior becomes second nature.

Another way to reduce the amount of overall stress in your life is to identify the two or three things that cause you the most grief on a consistent basis and do something about them. Actually, I’ve found that these “problem spots” are often deceptively small. We don’t realize how big of a difference the so-called little things can make in our overall contentment levels, so we allow them to continue being thorns in our sides.

In my book, I use the example of a clean house when I talk about taking control of your everyday stressors, because I think it’s something a lot of people can relate to (and if not, something of similar magnitude probably bugs you). Let’s say that whenever your house isn’t vacuumed, swept, and put away, you feel stressed, so you spend a large chunk of your after-work hours straightening and scrubbing. It doesn’t end there, though, because you now feel bad about not spending the time with your family, and that type of guilt eats at you for days. Here are the stress-reducing suggestions I give in my book to help you break free of this hypothetical cycle:

1. Hire a housekeeper. It may not be as expensive as you think. In fact, you could pay the housekeeper with the “guilt money” you’ve been spending on buying “stuff” for your children to make up for the time you don’t spend with them.
2. Get family members to share the load. Why is all the housekeeping your job, anyway? You may need to have a frank discussion with your spouse and kids about dividing up the chores so you’ll all have more time to spend together.
3. Rethink your need for super-cleanliness. Which is more important: getting the floor mopped three times a week or spending the time relaxing with your spouse or reading to your child? You may well decide you can overlook a little dirt!

Obviously, this is just one example among thousands of things that might cause you to feel stress rather than serenity. (And yes, it’s true that you’ll never be able to make your life totally stress-free.) But hopefully you can see that with a little thought and motivation, you can make changes that will drastically impact your happiness, and by extension, that of the people you care about.

This week I want to look at a type of situation in which your reaction can make or break your happiness: a friendship with a negative person. Whether you’re a man or a woman, young or old, outgoing or reserved, I’m willing to bet that there’s at least one person in your circle of acquaintances who leaves you feeling less than fulfilled after the two of you spend time together. Using an example, here’s my take on how you might best approach that relationship in order to up your happiness factor:

One of your friends loves to complain about everything. Her marriage, kids, looks, everything! Each time you see her, the conversation turns into a major vent session that leaves you feeling exhausted and negative. In the middle of a girls’ night out, for example, she’ll mention how unhealthy Mexican food is and that none of the entrées on the menu are allowed on the new diet she just started. Or when you run into her while picking up your daughter from dance class, she’ll want to gossip about the latest scandal involving the science teacher at the middle school. You can’t ever seem to talk about things that actually make you feel good!

Choose this: Without being rude, you start spending less time around this person and more time around people who are more positive. Casually listen to your friend’s conversations when you are together and try to join in only if you have something positive to contribute. (Remember how negative you feel after these rants!) When the opportunity presents itself, kindly excuse yourself and join in on another conversation or nicely segue into talking about the weather or your upcoming vacation.

NOT that: After hearing your friend rant on the negative topic du jour, you realize anew how unhappy you are with your weight or your husband, and you join in on the negativity. Soon you’re in a foul mood that rubs off on your family after you return home.

Why? Quite simply, surrounding yourself with positive people leads to happiness. In fact, studies show that you will be the average of the five people you spend the most time with in terms of your happiness levels. And negative people only drain energy from everyone around them, even though that may not be their stated intention. When you give your friend positive advice and do not allow her to suck you in, she will eventually seek out someone else to listen to her woes. I have found that negative people crave pity and sympathy—so be understanding, but don’t overdo it. Gradually, try to hang out more with positive people. I can tell you from experience that their positive attitudes will rub off on you, and I promise that you will begin to enjoy more mutually beneficial relationships…and life in general more, too. Remember, your attitude will be greatly enhanced or tremendously dragged down by the people you spend the most time with, so please put more thought each day into who these people are!

Unless you have been living under a rock (but not Plymouth Rock—I couldn’t pass it up!), you know that tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Take a moment and consider what you’re focused on. Maybe it’s a delicious turkey dinner, a football game, or a long-awaited Black Friday sale. Or perhaps you’re fixated on the number of relatives who will soon be descending on your house and all of the preparations you need to take care of. But have you also spent any time focusing on the real “point” of this holiday—the things in your life for which you’re grateful?

It seems to me that for most of us in America, the “thanks” in “Thanksgiving” has gotten lost in parades, food, and commercialism. On this holiday—and throughout the year, in fact—most of us are less focused on what we have to be thankful for and more focused on what we want and how we can get more. And guess what? This attitude is making us miserable. In fact, according to a 2007 Reuter’s.com article, a study done by Italian researchers found that Americans are less happy today than they were thirty years ago.  We’re so fixated on what we lack and on what’s going wrong that there’s no room left for us to enjoy all of the blessings that we have.

My friends, I’d like to challenge all of you to change your attitudes and really celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow…and then carry that attitude of gratitude with you throughout the year. Trust me, it’s for your own good. Grateful people are happy people, and they’re also healthier—25 percent healthier, in fact, according to studies—than their unappreciative peers.

Here’s a starting point: Tomorrow, as you’re eating Thanksgiving dinner with your loved ones, think about everyone and everything that have made this meal possible. Your ancestors, whose hard work laid the foundation for your own life. Our nation’s Founding Fathers, whose resolve and principles allowed us to live in the greatest democracy on earth. Past and present veterans and service members, who have put themselves in harm’s way—and even made the ultimate sacrifice—to protect us. And those are just a few starting points for a feeling of gratitude. I’m sure you’ll think of many, many more, like your health, your house, the fact that there’s food on the table, and of course the love of your family and friends, etc.

Once you begin to consciously notice all of the great things in your life, and once you realize that you can’t take full credit for the existence of any of them, you’ll consistently feel more grateful, privileged, and humble. You might even begin to notice that you feel silly for dwelling on the fact that your neighbor was able to buy a new car this year while you weren’t.

As gratitude becomes a more prominent part of your thought processes, verbalize as much of your thanks as you can. Tell the people in your life how much you appreciate them. Why not start tomorrow with the family members who are sharing Thanksgiving dinner with you? I can tell you from experience, when you begin to connect with others in this manner, your whole way of viewing the world will change. You will feel so much more fulfilled, blessed, privileged, and happy. And you’ll look back on this Thanksgiving as one of the best holidays/turning points of your life!

In an earlier blog post, I talked about how we all have the power to choose happiness for ourselves and I gave a few short examples of what that might look like in your life. I don’t want to stop there, though. Being able to make choices that increase your happiness is such an important concept to understand that I’d like to devote my next few blog posts along the way to elaborating on it.

In all situations there are responses that will make you feel better and more positive, and responses that will only increase your stress and unhappiness.

For example, let’s see how we can choose to be easier on ourselves after making a mistake:

Let’s say you’re giving a presentation at work. You feel fully prepared and you know what you’re talking about. The first part of the presentation goes smoothly, and the few jitters you felt at the beginning have been entirely replaced by confidence. When you look up from your notes to make eye contact with your coworkers, though, you lose your place in your notes. There is a long pause while you frantically search for the next point you wanted to make. You are a bit shaken, but you carry on and finish out your presentation without any other problems.

Choose this: Focus on all of the things that went well in the presentation. When people tell you that you did a nice job, accept the compliments with a genuine smile and thank them. Tell yourself, Overall, the presentation was very good, but next time I should organize my notes a bit better. Then you get to work on your next big project!

NOT that: You fixate on the pause during your presentation and disregard everything else. When people tell you that you did a nice job, you respond, “That’s nice of you to say, but I could just kick myself for messing up.” Throughout the rest of the week, you continue to tell yourself, I am a failure.

Why? One of the keys to happiness is choosing to be easier on yourself. Why let the one thing you did wrong ruin the hundreds of things you’ve done right? It is human nature to focus on the negative, but you have the power to change your thought process. As long as you learn from your mistakes, you should accept them as a part of life—you’re not the only person who has ever messed up! Plus, the mistakes you make usually pale in comparison to your accomplishments. Happy people acknowledge their achievements and keep their mistakes in perspective.

I think it’s a shame that people tend to torture themselves for not being perfect—but I understand why they do it. It took me a very long time to accept the fact that I am human too, and thus fallible. The truth is, we all make mistakes, and I’ve learned that it makes more sense to laugh at and appreciate your own humanity, fallibility, and mix-ups. Believe me, no one cares about that little mistake you made in your speech (or any other minor slip-ups that might occur!), so don’t allow it to dominate your whole week and infect your outlook with negativity. We all must learn to be our own best cheerleaders, building ourselves up every day—not the reverse!

I remember it well: the first time someone told me that I should listen to motivational material (by Tony Robbins, as it happens), my reaction was, “Yeah, right! No way is some hokey set of tapes going to relieve my stress or make me feel any better about my life.”

At the time I was in my early twenties, trying to juggle a huge amount of responsibility in my family’s auto parts business, and I was pushing myself over the physical and mental brink. An older salesman who always seemed to be energized and positive had offered to let me borrow his Tony Robbins’ Personal Power: The Driving Force! 30-Day Program for Unlimited Success tape set, and after a hasty thank-you, I tossed them into the backseat of my car (keeping my skeptical thoughts to myself) and went on with my day.

Little did I know that when I popped the first tape into the cassette player during a moment of boredom on my morning commute the next day that I was at a turning point in my life! Tony Robbins was the first person to teach me (among other things) that I really did have a choice about how to lead my own life, that I didn’t have to stay stuck in my negative thinking, and that I could direct my mind to think more positively.

In the years since that day, I have read many, many motivational books and listened to just as many audio recordings. I have learned that what you put into your mind has a HUGE impact on your attitude and outlook—and thus on the quality of your life. If you’re exposing yourself to new, positive, and uplifting ideas, you’ll be energized and happier. But if you limit your mental intake to depressing news, violent movies, and gripes from everyone you talk to, you’ll be stuck in a negative cycle.

So, even if you think it’s cheesy (as I originally did), I encourage you to give motivational materials a try. Listening to a motivational CD during your morning commute or reading for fifteen minutes as you sip your coffee in the morning can put you in a positive place until you go to sleep in the evening. When you do this each day, you’ll find that your attitude is improved, and that you have learned new tools to eliminate your own self-doubt and self-criticism. By focusing more on all the positive aspects of who you are, what you are doing, and what is great in your life, you’ll find that the whole direction of your life can change. And if you’re not sure where to start, I have a recommended reading and listening list HERE!

If you’ve leafed through my book or spent more than a few seconds on my website, I’m willing to bet that you’ve seen what I call my “Twelve Weeks to Living a Happier Life.” This program is based on my belief that our happiness (or unhappiness) is based largely on the choices we make regarding our actions, habits, attitudes, thoughts, and priorities. (If you missed it, I blogged about choosing happiness HERE.) Since my “Twelve Weeks” are such a big part of my own life, I’m going to blog about each week’s happiness-boosting change. First up is exercise!

Everywhere you look, our culture bombards us with the topic of exercise, from infomercials touting the latest piece of home-gym equipment to fliers in the mailbox advertising a gym’s grand opening. No matter how sick you are of hearing that you ought to be more active, please bear with me for a few paragraphs, because while I agree with that advice completely, I’m not as concerned with your muscle definition as I am with your mindset.

In a nutshell, I think that physical activity is the single most effective thing you can do right this minute to make yourself happier and much less stressed. I’ve actually been living by this principle for most of my life, though I didn’t realize it until after my breakdown. I was a very athletic kid growing up, and as an adult I’ve always hit the gym on a near-daily basis…until I fractured both of my feet at age thirty-six. This forced inactivity was one of several “triggers” that sparked my breakdown!

Turns out that exercise makes you feel more relaxed, stronger, and more capable of handling life’s challenges. It is also scientifically proven to improve your sleep, and it functions as a natural anti-depressant that will help your attitude and outlook. No wonder I felt unable to handle my stress after I was sidelined by fractures! My single most important coping mechanism was suddenly out of my reach.

I now know that even if you’re not living an out-of-balance lifestyle (as I was before my breakdown), exercise can still do quite a bit to improve your attitude and outlook. In addition to the benefits I listed above, physical activity actually opens you up to future change by invigorating your mind and body. (In fact, my coauthor, Dr. Howard Rankin, who is a licensed clinical psychologist, tells his patients he won’t see them for any reason—whether it’s depression, marriage counseling, or something else—unless they agree to start exercising first.) And as time passes, you’ll gain the added bonus of being happier with your physical appearance as well.

No matter what your current attitude toward exercise is, I recommend that everyone make it a part of their routines (if it isn’t already). And there’s no need to sign up for a boot camp-like class at the gym or hire a personal trainer, either. Actually, that would be a bad idea because the key to making an exercise program successful is to make it doable. Don’t force yourself to do too much too soon.

To start, try taking just a twenty-minute walk every other day. Even better, bring your spouse and/or your children along on your walks. In addition to spending more time together, you’ll be instilling great life habits in your kids. If you make activity a regular part of your life, so will they…and unfortunately, the same goes for living life as a couch potato.

Ultimately, no matter when, where, or with whom you choose to be active, the point is: Don’t make exercising such a big deal that you stall at the starting line. I promise you, you’ll be surprised at what a big difference this first step makes if you keep at it!

The phrase “happiness is a choice” is something we’ve all heard before. But have you ever really stopped to think about what it means? If you’re like me, your first reaction was probably something like, Yeah, right. If it were that easy we’d all be ecstatic all the time. Nobody feels stress or pain or worry because they want to. Those things are a part of life that we can’t do anything about.

Well, that line of thinking is actually correct…to an extent. You can’t magically rid yourself of bills or responsibilities or unforeseen accidents, or a million other things. But you can control how you respond and react to those negative circumstances.

If you know much about me or my story, then you’re probably aware that I struggled with feelings of anxiety, perfectionism, low self-esteem, and even depression for a lot of my life, before I finally suffered a breakdown at age thirty-six. So I know what I’m talking about when I say that no matter how out of control you think your life is, you really can change how happy and fulfilled you feel on a day-to-day basis.

It all comes down to figuring out a more positive way to react to the negative things that happen to you, as well as consciously infusing your life with more positive thoughts, people, and habits. For instance:

• If you find that you’ve accidentally overdrawn your checking account, you could beat yourself up over this slip-up all day, then also complain to your spouse (or whoever will listen) about how stupid you are and how you wish your family wasn’t so financially strapped. OR, you could figure out why the mistake was made so you can prevent it from happening in the future, as well as begin thinking of some new ways to earn more income (or conversely, about some new ideas to cut your expenses)…and then focus on how to make the most of your evening.
• Your coworkers are starting up the daily gripe-fest around the water cooler. You could join in by describing the latest condescending phone call you received from your mother-in-law. OR, you could turn the tide by congratulating everyone on the new client your company just signed.
• Once again, the nightly news is describing mishap after calamity after setback, and as usual, your thoughts are starting to swirl into a vortex of doom and gloom. You could continue watching and let yourself become more discouraged. OR, you could turn the TV off and read a chapter of a motivational book, or go for a walk or a jog.

Now, you’ve got to realize that you’ll never wake up and have a perfect day, and that building a happier life for yourself won’t happen overnight. But I promise, when you decide to focus on the people, things, and behaviors that enrich and fulfill you, and that inspire your positive mental, physical, and spiritual growth, you will notice a big difference in your mindset and emotional state. Once you understand the concept of choosing to be happy, your life will begin to change for the better.